Beautifully Broken

Loving self

I’m currently in such an intimate season with the Lord. It’s like no other intimacy I’ve ever experienced before.  I’m waking up every morning not just knowing that He’s with me but feeling that He is with me; right beside me throughout the day.  I talk to Him as if He’s there.  I joke with Him. I laugh with Him. I cry with Him. I plead with Him. I walk with Him. Tapping into that intimacy is incredible.  It took awhile to get there. Intimacy is a process and it takes a while.  Months ago, I would’ve felt weird, but I wasn’t willing to be close just yet.  Father wasn’t ready to reveal Himself to me with the heart I once had. 

He’s really been hitting me with acts of service and what that looks like today and in my future. He’s totally broken me for true compassion upon people and my future holds many opportunities to have sincere compassion upon His children.  I know as a nurse, you have to be compassionate…that’s like the definition of Florence Nightingale.  But, God has placed a compassion inside of me that will go beyond a textbook definition. He’s defining it in me to do great things. And, I’m excited. I’ve already been told at the hospital not to allow my compassion to exceed it’s limits because I will just be taken advantage of by my patients. It hurt my feelings. But the Lord quickly reminded me of the fact that I’m ultimately working for him; for his glory, not anyone else’s.  

In order to play out these acts of service to their fullest, they require a spirit of kindness. But, before I can be kind to anyone else to it’s fullest, I must be kind to myself.  A genuine kindness.  I think we’re probably our worst critics. That’s not kindness to self. Kindness to self is loving self. Here’s how Father is teaching me is looks like:

1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails.

Loving myself is:

1. Being patient with myself in times of failure.
2. Being kind to myself when I mess up or makes mistakes.
3. Never being jealous of someone else; it only brings me down.
4. Not becoming proud or rude because I’ve done something wonderful. It’s being grateful because the Lord allowed it to happen and gave me the strength to accomplish something that makes HIM proud.
5. Not dishonoring myself by dismissing the gifts God has given me and never using them.
6. Not in a selfish way; where I only love myself and do not display the love that overflows to others.
7. Being gentle with self; not becoming angry at myself if something goes wrong.
8. Not keeping any record of wrong. Again, if I make a mistake, I move on. I don’t beat myself up about it.
9. Delighting in the true things the Lord says about me.
10. Protecting myself by valuing myself.
11. Trusting in myself by trusting what the Lord has placed inside of me.
12. Being hopeful. Hope=confident expectation.
13. Preserving myself. Keeping myself safe from things I know will harm me.
14. Never placing myself in a failure category. If I give up on myself, I fail. There is nothing that can be done through me if I lose faith in myself. This is the full circle back to patience.

In order to share all these things with others, I must share them with myself. Learn them. Have these qualities dwell in my spirit. That is loving myself. That is how to receive love and give love.

Success of a Warrior

I’m recently reading an EXCELLENT book called “The Bondage Breaker” by Neil Anderson.  I highly recommend it.  It’s a great guide to claiming the freedom we have in Christ, realizing our power over sin, and how to be successful when the enemy makes war over you. 

I wanted to share something specific that has helped me realize my power in Christ.  If you’re familiar with Ephesians 6, you know it speaks of the armor of God and that we must be fully armed in it. Those verses have always pumped me up but I never really knew how to wear the armor because I never knew it’s significance.  As Christians, we are constantly at war with the enemy, whether we realize it or not.  To be successful, we have to wear our armor! But, we need to know what it signifies before we can fully understand it’s power.  

Ephesians 6:12-17—”For we are not fighting against flesh and blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.  Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil.  then after the battle you will still be standing firm.  Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body of armor of God’s righteousness.  For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.  In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil.  Put on the salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”  (NLT).

What do these 6 pieces signify and/or mean?

Armor we already have in salvation immediately is the belt, breastplate, and shoes.  That is what helps us to “stand firm”.  It’s our position in Christ! Claim it!

1. The belt of truth—Jesus said, “I am…the truth” (John 14:6).  Because Christ is in me, truth is too.  The belt of truth is my primary weapon because it blocks Satan’s ultimate goal: deception.  the belt is continually attacked because it holds the other places of body armor in place.  Satan always attacks with lies.
2. The breastplate of righteousness—It’s not my righteousness but Christ’s righteousness (1 Cor 1:30).  When Satan aims an arrow at me telling me I am not good enough, I can respond with Paul, “Who will bring a charge against God’s elect? God is the one who justifies.” (Rom 8:33)
3. The shoes of peace—When I received Christ, I was untied with the Prince of Peace! I have positional peace with God right now (Rom 5:1), but the peace of Christ must also rule my heart which is only possible when the word dwells in me (Col 3:15-16).  These become protection against the devil when I act as peacemaker; which pleases God! (Matt 5:9)

The rest of the armor is the Word of God and help in the battle win:

1. The shield of faith—The more I know about God and His word, the more faith I”ll have; to grow my shield; to grow my knowledge of God (Rom 8:16).
2. The helmet of salvation—Covers the most crucial part; my mind-where spiritual battles occur.  Satan tries to make us doubt our salvation when      under attack (Col 1:13, Rom 8:16).
3. The sword of the spirit—Speak aloud God’s truth! Satan isn’t omniscient so he needs to hear it.  By observing me, Satan can pretty well tell what I’m thinking, but he doesn’t know what I’m going to do before I do it.  If I pay attention to a deceiving spirit (1 Tim 4:1), he is putting thoughts into my mind and he will know whether I buy his lie by the way I behave.  It is not hard for him to tell what I am thinking if he has given me the though.  I can, however, communicate silently with God in my mind and spirit because He knows the thoughts and intents of my heart (Heb 4:12).

It’s easier to wear something when you know what you’re wearing and why you’re wearing it. 

What The Bible Says About Women—Pt.1

1. The creation of woman was the first thing recorded that wasn’t made from dust.  Woman was made from man.  That shows how precious and valuable a woman is to God. Gen 2:22.
2. Eve was easily convinced by satan to eat the forbidden fruit because she wanted the wisdom it would give her.  Women are easily convinced by things God does not want us to run to; forbidden things. We must be on guard; knowing that even the FIRST woman created was convinced. Gen 3:6.
3. Adam blamed Eve. Yes, it was Eve that made the first move but Adam was just as guilty.  Man didn’t stop woman.  He was passive.  Stay away from passive men and men that point the finger. Gen 3:12.
4. The Lord said that because of Eve’s fall, the pain of pregnancy would be sharpened to all women and…our curse…we will have the desire to control our husbands. That has to be continuously fought against! Gen 3:16

More to come…

He’s enough in everything.

Over a month ago, I wrote about a test I took that I didn’t pass.  I had to pass it in order to continue nursing school and graduate in the Spring.  Since I didn’t pass it, I had to sit out for 5 weeks and do a lot of remediation work.  You can scroll through my blog and read about it.  Of course I was devastated because I knew I had prepared for the test in every way possible.  When I missed it barely by a mark, I cried.  A lot.  Then, I realized that everything was going to be okay.  It was all in the Lord’s hands and I began to think about what He may need to teach me or use me for that I wouldn’t be as responsive to if I were in school. 

So, I made it through the 5 week study period and studied like a champ!  I also had one of the most intimate times in my life following who Jesus is and the things that God has called us to do…and that it’s not always pretty or “makes us feel good”.  I had people praying with me and for me that God would reveal His purpose for this time and that I wouldn’t be blind to it.

Day ONE of my five week remediation period, on a Monday…I received a call that my sister wasn’t feeling so well.  She had just moved into a new house the weekend before.  She had complaints of a migraine accompanied with an MS episode which involved partial paralysis, blurred vision, altered taste, etc.  She was basically bed-ridden.  She was diagnosed with MS last December. My initial thoughts were that this would pass because she gets migraines frequently and it just happened to be bad timing with the MS episode.  Before I continue, I’m going to be honest about where my relationship was with my sister.  We were not close anymore, and we both knew it.  Our relationship consisted of the occasional text message and seeing one another at family events.  That’s something neither of us can ever get back, but my eyes have been opened that I never want to go back to where we were.

As the week progressed, so did her symptoms.  That Tuesday, we took her to the ER because the migraine pain was unbareable.  She was given fluids and was sent home on pain meds because that seemed to have helped.  By Friday, she was worse than ever. She was lethargic and had no drive to get better.  She just wanted to sleep.  So, back to the ER we went.  They were planning on sending her home with pain meds again but my dad insisted on doing an MRI, spinal tap…SOMETHING! So, they did a spinal tap and it revealed she had spinal meningitis.  She was admitted immediately, late that night.

She was in the hospital for 5 days.  There were many ups and downs.  She was on intense antibiotics with a PICC line.  There were MANY times when I was completely thankful for the education that I had received in nursing school thus far.  Ashley had a cyanotic spell…bascially turning completely blue in a matter of seconds and I knew what to do!! Thank you Jesus! There were also some potential medication errors that I caught or questioned and it was just awesome to actually know what the doctors were saying and to be able to translate it to my parents, putting them at ease.  She was on the road to what we thought was recovery, when we had an unexpected bump in the road.  Ashley’s MRI results returned and a blood clot was found on her brain.  Panic set in with the family.  I mean, come on, anything about a blood clot sounds scary but when you include the word brain it’s an all-out panic attack!  The plan of action was to continue the antibiotics and start her on Heparin to thin the blood. 

After 5 days in the hospital, she was released to come home.  She was 100% cleared of meningitis but she did have to come home with the blood thinner injections along with a blood thinner pill because the clot was still present.  Not only did me staying in the hospital with her, praying crazy prayers over her, and just getting back to “us” bring us back together but there was a blessing among having to give her the injections every day.  The blessing = I got to see her every day!! Giving someone a shot in the stomach is horrific but when it’s your own sister…ahhh, I don’t even want to go there.  We would both cry.  What’s kinda cool though is the type of injection I gave her was the type of injection I gave when I gave my VERY FIRST shot in nursing school.  So, I guess you could say, I had practice. ;)

As the weeks went by and her healing continued, I began to just praise God for all He had done in our relationship.  If I would’ve been in school, I probably wouldn’t have given it much thought…that’s just being honest.  I love her but loving her wasn’t enough.  I had to SHOW her that I loved her.  For now, I am enjoying showing her that I love her and I would do ANYTHING for that girl.  She’s so special to me. 

Even though I had confidence in the Lord’s timing, I began to get a little anxious the closer my test got.  I even thought about sitting out an extra five weeks and study more.  Then, I fell into Deuteronomy.  OH. MY. DANG.  That junk will mess you up! I decided that I did NOT want to become like the Israelites.  God displayed their Promise Land RIGHT IN FRONT OF THEIR EYES and they still walked on by it because they were afraid! What the heck?!  I did NOT want to walk past what the Lord had promised me because I was scared or anxious…or basically…didn’t have FAITH that God would go ahead of me and fight for me in the battle! 

So, today, I took my test.  Passed it with a 99%! There’s also a score sheet that explains the individual percentage I scored in each nursing category. And the cherry on top: My instructor said no one has EVER made a perfect score in a category and I DID! Ahhh! Jesus was showing off!  He was all like, “See, baby girl…I told you not to be afraid to enter into the land and TAKE POSSESSION of what I have promised you!”  Ah, I love Him so much.  He is faithful.  He is good.  All the time.

I am considered worthy because He chose me for hardship.

I conquered because of Him.

Glory to God. All praise to His name.

Deuteronomy just kicked my tail. And, this was just from what I gathered from a few verses out of Chapter 1.

You have two choices. You can either let fear and panic set in just like the Israelites did and lose your one and only chance to enter into your Promised Land – or you can have the same strong faith and belief in God that Joshua had – and go in their with a kick-butt attitude that you will be completely victorious and that you will accomplish everything that God will want you to accomplish for Him.

Ouch.

FEM

What is FEM? Female Empowerment Movement

What does that mean? Empowering women to rise above their circumstances and take hold of a new way of life.

How do you do that? TONIGHT, 10/19, I am a part of an event that one of my best friends, Madison Hopkins, has put her heart and soul into. We’re expecting to see over 100 women in downtown Greenville tonight at a local community center.  There, they will receive food, a word from a motivational speaker, love, gift bags, hugs, and many local representatives of different outreach sources that could change their lives.  We want to see them get off the streets and realize that there’s a promise for their life, better than the one they think they only deserve.

What can I do? Pray for the ladies hearts to be softened and accepting to the love that we long to pour out unto them.

Isaiah 61: 1-4

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners, 

 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
       and restore the places long devastated;
       they will renew the ruined cities
       that have been devastated for generations.

Divine Purpose…

Luke 24 Summary:

At this point, Jesus “should” be in the tomb…dead. But, he wasn’t! Women found that the stone had been rolled away.  Two angels appeared to the women to ask them why they were looking among the dead for someone that was alive.  The angels specifically said, “Remember what he (Jesus) told you back in Galilee? That the Son of Man must be betrayed into the hands of sinful men and be crucified, and that he would rise again on the third day”.  Several women went back and told the eleven disciples the news. They all thought it was nonsense. 

The same day, two of Jesus’ followers were walking seven miles to Emmaus, talking about what they had heard,  when they were suddenly in the presence of Jesus, the risen Savior.  But, “God kept them from recognizing him.” (vs 16).  They talked to Jesus about himself!  Basically, they were discussing that they thought they had been following a Savior all along but he just ended up…dead, nothing supernatural about it.  Their faith had crumbled!  They lost hope in who Jesus said he was before the crucifixion.  Jesus noticed this and as they walked, he told the men all the writings of Moses and the prophets, explaining all the Scriptures concerning himself.  Basically, Jesus gave these men a VIP bible lesson! The men, still not knowing that this is Jesus, invited him in to eat.  Jesus then broke the bread…and it was then, in that moment, that they recognized him!!  They were shocked, confused, and probably scared…but then…Jesus opened their minds to understand the Scriptures he had shared with them as they were walking earlier. 

1. You don’t have to know everything about God to share what God’s doing.

• The women were the first to see.  They shared it and people thought they were crazy!
• A woman shouldn’t be discouraged on sharing the gospel
• Nonbelievers, or people that doubt you…don’t get discouraged if they don’t believe you as a woman. Our job is to share what Jesus did…Jesus just showing up in our life….

2. People don’t recognize Jesus for who He is. Regardless of how much we think we know, we never fully grasp who Jesus is.

• The men knew stuff.  They were his followers…but Jesus had to tell them more which is why we must constantly pursue him.
• It takes Jesus Christ revealing who he is for people to truly grasp that…never our words…but who he is and what he did on the cross is what grasps people to His word and to the cross.

3. The closest we come to grasping who Jesus Christ is, is understanding what he did on the cross.

• You don’t’ have to be the smartest person to share what God’s doing…you’ve just got to share what God’s doing…which is what the women did…which planted a seed for the men that were walking…and because the women planted the seed, it opened the door for Christ to show up, unrecognized, until they understood what He did on the cross….through the breaking of the bread which was the piercing of his body.

Application: The moment we recognize the potential that Christ’s body has on our lives, we can grasp a portion of who He is and the promises that will unfold in our lives. The men were knowledgeable of who Jesus was and what he said he wanted to do…but they didn’t actually apply it until they recognized what His body meant.